Sweet zesty lemon curd filling

Sorry for not updating this blog for a while. I'm just... lazy. There you go. The best reason ever and it stands for itself.

I haven't been doing anything interesting and I didn't even go to any new diner in town. I think the best word that I am able to describe about this stuff going on is what I refer to as the hibernating era. The time where I don't need to see sick people every day and meet scary as hell doctors. I also love the fact that I don't have any night/day shifts for this approximately 3 months. Best feeling ever!

You can say that I might be going overboard with it but seriously who doesn't love wearing pajamas all day long? Well, if not pajamas then even shirt and sleeping pants are always comfy. Nobody can resist that one. This is the time where I can have not only breakfast, but lunch, high tea, dinner or even supper in bed. Just act like you are a lazy sloth who...laze around? Yup, that's quite about it.

No need to be worried because all this stuff happens for a reason. I don't purposely laze around like that. Are you kidding me? I'm currently in the Community Medicine department. And my coursework is doing a research. Research is tad boring and not appealing to me. But whatever. Just as long as I can get the 9-12 pm working hours and no night/day shifts, then that's more than enough for me.

That's what's happening to me currently. And now let's get back to the 'research' business. For your information, the so-called research that I mentioned previously is starting tomorrow. Just for a couple days I hope. Then I can go back doing my business. Haha.

I will try my best to update my blog whenever you know, I'm not lazier than usual. Lol. Have a nice Sunday!

Sugar sugar, honey honey

Since I don't really have anything interesting to write as a decent opening, let me just tell you a secret. Before that can you kindly scroll down until you find a picture of a chocolate cake? Got it? Good. Now, the secret is that I know who made it! 

It was... me who baked it, obviously. Otherwise how could I manage to get a cheap quality picture like this one below since I wasn't using any high end digital camera like others do. Pity me. But anyway, I still manage to get this one which I personally think that it turned out quite convincing.

This picture was dated last Sunday, and the real thing has long gone by now. I am not saying that I'm the best cook ever (in a cocky tone), since I believe that every one has cooking potential that can be polished. It's either you are up for the challenge or not. Oh, but if cooking is in everybody's blood, I guess we cannot refer it as a talent anymore?

I don't know the answer and should I leave that one for you to figure out. 

It has been a hectic week for me and I am really gad that Friday has finally arrived. Sadly I still need to go to the hospital tomorrow. But I am definitely up for cake hunting after those boring working hours.

To you guys whom are experiencing terrible, nasty, heavy rain like I do at my place currently, please please please take a good care of yourself. Cc to me too. Bye!

Break me

I think that I have finally reached the phase where I just don't give any $#!* that happened. This time I'll just go through whatever this is with whatever piece of hearts I have left. Violated and irritating would be the best words for what I'm referring to. Sadly, I have to accept that as if I have no rights for myself at all.

Mind you, I'm not saying that Medicine is hard. I love Medicine. It's really damn interesting. Studying Medicine gives me all the answers that I've always wanted to know. Medicine is fun.

The one thing that I'm referring to which gruesome and dirty is the hardships of living in this tiny island, this particular country to be precise. I don't know why would they do too many ridiculous regulations just to make sure that we all would suffer. I seriously don't get why wouldn't they just create one effective system and just abide by it anyway? Things will never make any sense here. It never does.

I am currently of my 3rd week in Anesthesiology department. I had 6 shifts for my 1st week, another 6 shifts for my 2nd week and 4 shifts for my 3rd week. But since I went to meet my doctor (since she's currently not staying in the same hospital that I do) for assignment discussion, on the day that all of us needed to attend some stupid event that we never get any benefit at all to be precise, I was punished by adding another 2 shifts this week! If you do the math, that'll be 18 shifts for 3 consecutive weeks.

Seriously, every Tuesday is supposed to be the day whereby every practical students will have their time to go and meet their doctors for discussion. And this is what I get? Punished with another 2 shifts added to this week? Even though I did abide by the rules?

Now do tell me how am I suppose to get my assignment done? When do I have time to actually read a book and study? When actually do I have time to complete that stupid logbook?

Oh, and here's the thing. If you're someone's big shot's daughter, I swear by heaven and hell that your life will be ultimately spot on. smooth and flawless. No doctors would want to punish you or even pick on you and you'll be treated like a princess, literally.

The doctor's world is always cruel. Fml.

p.s. Supposedly, the rules are 6 shifts for the 1st week, 4 shifts for the 2nd week, 3 shifts for 3rd week and 2 shifts for the 4th week. How can I not be angry?

Like a hard candy with a surprise center

I can't believe that the weekend is here! It seems like I've just left Forensic department yesterday and now here I am, with almost one week full of un-shampooed hair. Disgusting, I know. Try to picture me with Severus Snape's greasy hair. I just can't help it.

You know, the worst part or should I say in a more appropriate word, troublesome part of clinical years is the on-calls. I am never fond of on-calls. Before I elaborate more, for your information, our medical faculty here is a wee bit different from almost every other medical faculties in the world. The on-calls part to be per se.

We, as clinical years medical students do have on-calls. And it differs from each departments. Allow me to remind you that there are no such thing as a limit for working hours here. One can stay in a certain hospital for as long as 30 days a month without even a chance of going back home. Sick isn't it? I'm never telling you for how many hours have I been in a hospital. I don't think you'll ever believe that it's true.

Hmm. Let's just drop that part. See, I don't think on-calls are made for students, really. Maybe if they'll pay me for having on-calls, then I'll change my mind? Lol. I don't know.

The one and only reason for all the fuss is because I can't get my daily dosage of quality sleep. Sleeping has become my favorite past time. I'd rather stay at home and sleep in my precious bed than going out to mingle. I can't believe that I just confessed that one. But that's the truth. I come home everyday, tired, fatigue, and all I can see is just my bed. Period.

Hmm. But that's just the flow here. I just need to bear with it for some time till this is all over.

I need to tell you something, I seriously love to sleep.

Night! :)

Possibilities, Potentials, Fat Chances

1. I have reached the final week of Forensics department. Yesterday was my case presentation day and I barely survived through it. As the matter of fact, I'm not a public-speaking person. I can't talk in front of a crowd. It creeps me out. Even if I have prepared myself well the night before, the outcome is always the same. My adrenaline rush never fails to prove me that whatever I do, I'll still lose to him, big time. Not to forget that sweaty palms and feet, heart thumping very hard and almost jump out of the chest and to that cracked voice that never fails me. Painful to watch.

2. I'd love to write more, if you know what I mean. I tend to have this some sort of ideas of what to write next but just like that, the ideas fly away. Like the feelings you get when having sugar rush. Very... agitated? Or anxious. I don't know which one really.

3. Google-ing cute cats/kittens/baby tigers/baby jaguars videos are thrilling. I'm not a big fan of human baby  but baby animals are always a yes! Haha. Actually, I always add another description why I'm not fond of human babies that much, but I guess it's not that appropriate and too provocative to begin with. So let's just settle with my previous statement.

4. I secretly wish that Cardiology department will soon be joining Internal Medicine. So that I can cut short one precious month. But you know, rumors are rumors till they happen to be true.

5. Back to talking about Forensics. It's so damn scary to study whatever written in the books or even lecture slide. I can't stand looking/staring at the insanely scary pictures. Sigh, remind me why I want to be a doctor again?

6. We all have fair chances. Potentials to become anything. It makes you believe in possibilities. We just need to know how to use them well. The fat chances I meant.

Till then, good night.

Not so loquacious?

It's 9.30 in the evening according to the local timezone. And I am barely awake with puffy eyes and not-so-presentable face. I don't know what's wrong with me but just so you know I've slept for a straight of 5 hours today. I hope I can still sleep later tonight.

Anyway, rumor has it that this little island is currently experiencing drought. It hasn't rain for almost 3 and 1/2 consecutive weeks I think. Last time that it rained was during the last few days of Ramadan. But it was barely raining back then. Just a mist like that. The sun seems like showing off his best everyday too.

Now, let's relate this drought with my life. My current working hours is from 8 am till 2 pm. Since I needed to travel to and fro by using the public transportation, 2 pm has become the most gruesome time of day. I need to endure the hotness and sweat and fumes and everything. Gosh this list will never ever end. In other words, it means that I have 1 more reason for me to stay at home.

To those who know me well, it's not a surprise that I prefer being home than being outside. Especially when I have a cool and cozy room despite the melekit-ness outside. Lol. Plus, I hate being tanned. I don't mind people calling me puteri lilin or what. I just believe that whenever I got myself a sunburn it's so damn hard to get back my old skin. Not that I'm saying that I have fair, flawless skin or things like that la. Just to make it clear. *peace*

I guess I'm done with talking about this little island, the weather and my fragile skin. I found this one below from Dr Halina's blog. I have to admit that I am one of her avid reader. I find it interesting, though her writing is mostly about mommyhood. I always try to see it from a mom-working-as-a-doctor point of view. Hehe.

She recently posted about med school. For those who didn't know, she's an anesthesiologist. Kinda cool if you ask me. So, what do I have in mind? Erm,  I do have something in mind. But I'm not ready to share it publicly. It's a bit embarrassing. Haha. Intriguing means more fun right?!

I have a presentation tomorrow morning about 'Wound Description'. Wish me luck. And good night!

Not so gibberish

1. My Surgery department exam is postponed to Monday.
2. After drawing straws, I was unlucky because I got the killer examiner.
3. My examiner is a Neurosurgeon, which means that probably I'll be dead as soon as 2 seconds after meeting him.
4. I'm starting another department, Forensic for 6 consecutive weeks. Then, the Anesthesiology department is waiting for me. And the list goes on and on as usual.
5. I can't wait to finish my studies.
6. I lost count for how many days have we Muslim fast. Maybe I did it purposely. Maybe because the loneliness feeling being away from family is too hurtful.
7. I can see my gaunt reflection in my mirror. My cheekbones and jaw are protruding like I have never seen them in a million years.
8. I don't know how may kilos have I lost till today.
9. I frequently feel cold everyday. Maybe due to loss of what's left of my adipose tissue.
10. I wish for a Doraemon as my pet so that I can walk through his 'pintu suka hati' anytime and anywhere I want.

Anywhoo, dear the Almighty, I'm praying for the safety and happiness of my beloved people, my Mama, Abah, younger sisters and baby brothers. Though I am so far away from them, please keep them safe. Please give your blessings upon them so that they'll live their daily lives under your rahmat each and everyday. Please give them courage and hope to face through everything that you've planned for them. I beg for sincere forgiveness as I'm only a humble human being whom have done too much wrongdoings towards you. Ameen.

Anticipation

It is coming in approximately less than a week. I bet everybody's looking forward for it. The fasting month is just around the corner. As for me, this will be the last time that I'm going to celebrate fasting month and Aidilfitri away from home. It's kind of sad to think that through all this 5 years studying abroad, I was only home once to celebrate Aidilfitri with my family. 

Hmm. This year, it's a lot different. Almost all of my batch mates are going to be home to be with their respective families during these festive months. I just need to put aside those unwanted-negative-sad feeling for a while. 

Just think of the bright side. I'm already half way there. I just need that much of courage to finish off this last half a mile. Aaaaaaaaaand I'll be home for good. Wow! I can't wait to say that for real! Hahaha.

Anyway, happy fasting everyone! May you be blessed each and every day. :)

Warheads

1. Sometimes, I thought that I might have chosen the wrong career. I should have become an army instead. You know, mentally and physically strong (tough enough to become a doctor afterwards).

2. I miss Zoo Negara.

3. Rumor has it that only couples who are married for >1 year will be considered to get the same hospital for the 2-years of Housemanship.

4. I'm currently 9th week of Surgery. Unlike pregnancy (which will end by 38-42 weeks), Surgery will terminate by 11th week.

5. Which means I'm dead. There's so much to study and I haven't started anything yet. It's like you know that you will going to be admitted to the delivering room soon but you haven't made any preparations e.g. babyclothes, pacifier, bib, parenting yet.

6. There's a lot in my mind and sometimes I do think that maybe I have a ticking bomb in my brain. Gosh, please calm down, will you?

7. I think that I'm sleep deprived. But to tell you the truth, I sleep like a log for a minimum of 6 hours every day. I'm regretting this.

8. I feel like there's something that I need to do. The urge of finding something. What is it?

9. I take up watching Running Man and reading Calvin & Hobbes as a daily routine. For my source of happiness. Literally means to forget the chaotic life that I'm currently living in.

10. What will happen when I have no more Running Man to watch? Or no more Calvin & Hobbes to read?

11. I think that currently I'm having flight of ideas. You know, I had coffee at 4 in the morning. Coffee's nice but it'll cause me to act like I'm having some sort of anxiety disorder.

12. Maybe my body cannot cope well with a good shot of caffeine yet. I wonder when it will get use to it.

The end. For now.

P.s. Terribly sorry for the broken English. I can't think straight for the moment. I'll come back to you later.
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The Final Return

I am a medical student. Currently I am in my 5th and final year of Medicine. Right now I am going through my Surgery rotation which will end in approximately 5 weeks. Which means that I have 6 remaining rotations to go through my final year.

I can't lie that I am not at least one bit excited about graduating from a medical school. Who wouldn't want to go to work and gain your own money after 5+ years of studying? To tell you the I am more anxious. And worried. If I can say so.

What's serving me afterwards in the real world must be something horrible and gruesome. Nobody said that being a doctor is tad simple. It requires blood and sweats before you reach the top.That's what has been bothering my mind for a while.

It's a mixed feeling. Excited but at the same time anxious and worried. Well actually the excited part would be only 5% from the total feeling. You do the math. And you tell me how worried I am.

Priorities

*clears throat*

First things first. What do you think about my blog? It has changed (into something better) right? I think it's more lively than it was before. No, actually I almost thought that I should throw my blog into a treasure chest and bury it some where nobody knows. If ever somebody finds it they'll put a frown on their faces because all they found is just an old, rusty, abandoned blog. Lucky I did a second thought about it.

It feels like centuries ago since my last post. But I have my good reasons for being indifference for a while. I was in my Obstetrics and Gynecology rotation (where I realized that only crazy people who would want to pursue in this field of medicine) for about 3 months since end of February till late April. That's the time when whenever I reached home, all I can think of is my one and only love, my precious bed.

I was cut off from the real world during that period of time. I know nothing about what's happening to the world but screaming patients with an alien (or two) coming out of their lady parts. Come to think about it, I'm terribly sorry that I sometimes did curse them patients for being too spoiled that they screamed, cried and didn't give any cooperation during labor. I know that it's a bad thing to do. I'll try to change it in time.

So anyway, I made my comeback. Omg, I just realized that I made that statement like as if I'm some famous celebrity. Haha. Just kidding. I'm currently in my Surgery rotation. For 3 months. So far, I like the subject but I hate the people in it. These surgeons are arrogant people. Hmm. Maybe they inquire arrogance as one of their criteria to be recruited as surgeons. I don't know.

Sometimes when I sleep at night, I do wish that when I wake up tomorrow morning it will be the day that I graduated from medicine. I'm wishing for it so hard that sometimes I even had the same dream over and over again. She's a psycho (every fingers point to me).

Oh, by the way let me give you the metaphors of medicine from my point of view. I don't know whether the others do think the same way as I do or not. So here it goes...

Surgery rotation = Grey's Anatomy
Obstetrics & Gynaecology rotation = The Private Practice
Internal Medicine = House
The Specialists of medicine = Royal Pains

But I don't think that it's entirely relatable though. I'm just giving you guys the idea what I'm doing on a daily basis (but minus the cute guys and all the super cool stuffs you happen to see in TV) but double or triple the drama.

Talking about drama, I need to confess that I am so sick of it. I still remember my first few rotation that I've been through. It was messy. I'm trying to believe that it gets less messier as time passed by. You can never imagine the tears I shed during these 2 years. I think if I collected all of my tears it'll be as big as the Salt Lake. I'm not kidding you.

They said, to be a doctor you need to be tough. I know what that means. I've heard too many stories already. It's just that it's hard to break my personality into someone whom I'm not.

I'm not writing about this any longer. To conclude my post today, I present to you the so-called-hardest-ever tongue twister:

"Sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"

Now, try to read the phrase 10 times in under 10 seconds. Good luck!:)
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Guillotine

E.T.

Go figure.

That rocky road

"I failed my way to success"


- Thomas Edison
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Asylum

Psychiatrists are the people who work at the asylum. Psychologists are the people who don't work at the asylum. Or commonly referred to as 'shrink'. At least that's what I thought so. If you have doubt about it just google it yourself.

What I'm saying is I'll never be neither of it. Part of it maybe because I don't think I can handle dealing with mentally unstable person. Another reason is because I don't think I can content my empathy. I might as well show too much of empathy and that's just not good for the doctor patient relationship.

Fyi, it's my last department for my 4th year. Which means this time, I'm really really half way there. Phew! Can you believe it? I can quite believe it either.

Anyway, my exam is just around the corner. Wish me luck!
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Lights and sound

Actually, I'll only talk about sound. No lights required in this post. But it seems that both of it is inseparable in terms of grammatically speaking. That's why.

Let's just skip to the main point. Lately, I've figured out that I'm agoraphobic, acrophobic, claustrophobic and maybe slightly hematophobic. All thanks to psychiatric department. But that's not my point of writing this.

I have a random question. Have you ever happened to hear some detailed, creepy, keep-on-stuck-in-your-head-even-though-you-tried-hard-to-forget-it sound? Sadly, I did. Let me give examples so that you could figure out which freaks you out the most. (Not that I want to share these nightmares with you)

The sound of radioactive detector, komodo lizards, doors with rusty hinges, saws for medical purposes e.g. to amputate any limbs, drilling into the skull, dogs howling, wings flipping at night, that knocking sound which doesn't seem to stop, tap water dripping, critical patient's monitor (the one that you see in movies where there's just a flat line in the end) and the sound of emptiness. I can keep going on and on with this list but let's just say that it's enough really.

So, what say you?

Oh, I have something else to say. You know what, I've got my MMPI test back. The results were kind of interesting. I promise to write about it very soon. I bet it won't bore you till the end.

Till then, happy Sunday!
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down the drain

So, I've finished with my Paediatrics examination = freedom!!:) However, let me share with you what I've been through all those days and months in this particular department.

First of all, I always thought that things will get better whenever Friday shows up. As usual, I love Friday. Friday means a happy face for me. But just so you know, here in this department, Friday doesn't mean anything. It's just another boring day just like Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday and so on and so forth.

And on my fourth week, I needed to stay in this hospital below which located outside of Makassar. Did I mentioned I need to glue my butt in this hospital for one whole week? Yes, that's the main point.

Well at least they provide us with a (not so) decent bed. Right?! (Both Anis and I had a chronic back pain since our first night sleeping in it)

This is Anis' stuffs. Yes, pink is her lover. She even carried her toothbrush every where even when she needed to follow up her patients. Haha. Just kidding.

Vandalism. Enough said. But ma, you don't have to worry because neither of us engraved our names on any of the furnitures in the hospital. We do still have our sanity intact.

So during weekdays (when the polyclinic is open) one of us needed to sit on that long bench and do the usual stuff (blood pressure, pulse rate, breathing rate, temperature and a wee bit of history taking). Same old boring stuff.

Whenever there's a baby delivered by storks (I mean seriously?), the nurses will alert both of us and therefore we need to walk to the other side of the hospital to evaluate the tiny creature with what they called Apgar score.

Sometimes, I thought how lame my life was. If you're trying to peek through my phone there'll only be medical pictures and tables like this one above. Sorry to break your heart but you can't get anything more than that. Oh, except for this one above. This was the very first day of my Perinatology subdivision (8 days and 7 nights in the NICU) where I got to be the class leader for the whole week. I kept this picture to see the difference before and after I finished with peri. I'm supposed to put up the 'after' picture but sadly, it was extremely hideous. Trust me. Hmm. I still miss my own me.

Here's my poor baby. I almost (almost but not yet) cried because the parent's were so poor that they can't even provide clothes and blanket for the baby. I needed to steal some of the other baby's formula milk to feed him. He's sick but because the father can't afford to pay any more so he was brought home after only 4 days in the NICU. I have no idea what will happen to him. I'm just hoping that he'll be fine.

In the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) each of us needed to take care of one babies. However, since I was the God-knows-how-I-can't-be-a-leader leader plus because nobody listen to whatever I said, I needed to take care of 2 babies at the same time. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating about how hard to take care of 2 babies at the same time. Fine. But it is tough! I had no idea how much patience should I gain before being able to raise my own baby. But it's still a very long way to go. Let's just skip that part.

Anyway, I'm done with it! Bye Bye Paediatrics Department. :)

When it's over

It has been a while since I updated my blog. I've been trying to find some time to spend for it but sadly I have none. Most of the time when I'm at home I'll sleep! Hehe. I need my beauty sleep of course.

Anyway, believe it or not I'm already in the 9th week of Pediatrics Department. Which means I have approximately 1 week left to study and face the exam and it will finally come to the end! Can't wait for it to happen!

I promise you that my post after this I'll tell you stories and put up pictures that I got through out the weeks. There are just a lot to tell. So be ready and just wait for it! :)
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Points to ponder

I'm making a list of things that I should get familiar with; words in English instead of in this place's mother tongue.
1. Blood pressure
2. Hand sanitizer
3. Patients
4. Wards
5. Daily fluid needs
6. Body weight
7. Injection
8. Admitted
9. Shock
10. Main complaint

You might be wondering how they say all of the things above in their language. Well, here goes..
1. Tensi
2. Antis (short form for antiseptik)
3. Pasbar (short form for pasien baru)
4. Bangsal (yes, they call wards as bangsal. And it really looks like bangsal you know)
5. Kebutuhan cairan
6. Berat badan (well, they are so lazy so they just say BB as in BeBe)
7. Suntik
8. Opname
9. Renjatan
10. Keluhan utama

I should give a big slap in the face if I accidentally slip those stupid words from this mouth. Seriously!
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Life as we know it

Tomorrow would be my very first official holiday since I've entered Pediatrics Department. In other words no work and on-calls for Friday. It's a great news because I haven't had any break since it began. And for that, I'm sorry for not spending much time to write to my dearest blog. I've tried to find the time to write but whenever I got the chance to do so I prefer resting a.k.a. sleeping. Yes, I haven't had enough sleep too. Pity me.
I'm writing tonight just to make several things clear. A couple of days back I posted something about quitting medicine. I know that it's not a nice thing to say. But I just need to admit that I do feel that way from time to time. It's not the medicine itself that is hard. I can cope with that complicated science, all the organs, hormones, drugs, etc. Just so you know, studying medicine here in this country; it is real hard.
Entering the practical years is exciting at first. But since all I get to everyday is 1) check the blood pressure 2) check the body temperature 3) pulse rate and 4) respiratory rate all day and night, it became tiresome and such a waste of time. And guess what? We (practical medical students) need to do that for the whole 2 years. Not to mention that we do have on-calls. Which sometimes (actually most of the time) I feel ridiculous. We need to stay back in the hospital just to check all that 4 things I've mentioned above. By the way, did you know that those things that we need to do can be done by a nurse? Yes, a nurse.
Most of the time I feel jealous with other medical students whom studying in a much better university. They get to go to lectures, get a proper discussion, learn bed side teaching, master the basic theory of medicine, don't get to do stuff whom only a kuli would do, get scolded for things that you don't know because no one ever taught you and you never even got the chance to study because you've always occupied for doing ridiculous unnecessary stuff like writing paper works for doctors, go and collecting the urine and poop sample to the lab (which obviously are not our job todo so) and so much more that you can never think of. No wonder that the medical graduates from this country are always discriminated when they got back home.
I'm tired. Mentally and physically. Call me weak but I tell you what. I've been coping with it for more than you ever thought. I need to be understood by others. Yes I said something bad but just be considerate. I'm trying hard to keep holding on.
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